dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
