I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
