Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
