hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm always down for nudity.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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