drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
