peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
