ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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