There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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