I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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