i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
