so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Who died my cat blue again?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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