You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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