I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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