I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
