this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
