whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
