Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
