I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
