1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
