had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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