I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
