i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
