3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
