There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
