I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
