put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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