Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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