if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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