sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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