the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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