My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
