I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
