Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
