i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
