My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
