Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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