At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
