i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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