is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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