party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
