Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
