my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
