If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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