If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Randomize
