So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
