cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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