I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
