I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
