plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
