Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
